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View from the Cheap Seats... Mid-life crisis? Not funny...I answered the phone here at the TurfNet World HQ yesterday in my usual manner. The deep, somewhat gravelly voice on the other end simply said, "I like it." Hey, Jud, I replied. You like what? "To hear the sound of your voice," Jud Smith replied. Jud is the supt at Orange Hills Country Club in Connecticut, and a good friend. It was time for our annual chat. "I read your stuff every month and realize I should call, but then get busy like everyone else," he continued. "But at least when I’m reading your column, I feel like you’re speaking to me from across the kitchen table. That’s a rare talent. How are you?" His question struck me. Rather than What’s happening? or What’s going on? like many ask, I knew Jud was genuinely interested only in how I am, and nothing else. Also knowing him from past conversations to be unusually introspective and a bit more spiritual (as in ‘concerned with matters of the spirit and/or psychological health’ rather than over-religious) than most, I decided to tell him. "In spite of all outward appearances, I’m not doing so great," I told him point blank. "Back home again from spending the summer up north, I’m struggling with a lot of this mid-life stuff, and some nagging depression has set back in. It’s not fun, nor funny." Men, on the other hand, get branded with the mid-life crisis, with visions of convertibles, hair replacement and a manic quest to regain their youth...The term menopause mentioned among a group of women elicits hushed tones of acknowledgement and knowing nods of sympathy. It’s a hormonal, medical thing. Men, on the other hand, get branded with the mid-life crisis, with visions of convertibles, hair replacement and a manic quest to regain their youth. It’s a head thing. Gaining increased acceptance in the medical community, however, is the concept of andropause, sometimes referred to as 'male menopause'. It’s a very gradual decline in male hormones that occurs over time as a normal part of aging. It has been related in some men, like depression, to changes in attitudes and moods, fatigue, a loss of energy, sex drive and physical agility. Unlike menopause in women, there is no signal such as loss of menstruation to call attention to it. And it may start up to ten years earlier. Having struggled with recurring bouts of depression to varying degrees for several years now and finding no lasting salvation in medication, I was encouraged by my wife to see a psychologist. Actually, she wanted us to see a psychologist together, because what was affecting me was beginning in turn to affect her, and us, together — even after almost 30 years of marriage. Hey, even the most well-oiled machine requires a tune-up now and again, I suppose, and the most well-planned journey needs an occasional adjustment of the rudder to ensure reaching the desired destination. So I sucked it up and agreed, warning her to be ready to deal with anything that slid out of the underbelly once it was sliced open. One must enter that type of thing as if under oath — agreeing to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth — however sensitive or potentially embarrassing. Anything less and you undermine the exercise and waste your money. I’ll admit that it has been very helpful — for me, for her, and both of us together. "This is the stage of life when both of us thought things should be getting easier, not more difficult," I started out with Dr. Jeff on our first visit. "Believe it or not, mid-life is the toughest adjustment we have to make," he replied. "When you’re younger, raising a family and climbing a career ladder, your next years are full and pretty well planned out. Now the kids are grown, the nest is empty and suddenly too large, and maybe your career has reached a plateau. Then you may realize that retirement is ten years away and you won’t be able to save the amount of money you’ll need between now and then. That’s a very difficult period for many people. There are a lot of question marks." Rather than revered as wise and experienced, you often become too expensive and therefore expendable...Among golf course superintendents (and an increasing number of other careers as well), everyone knows what happens around that magic age of 50. Rather than revered as wise and experienced, you often become too expensive and therefore expendable. Having to reinvent your career in mid-life (and/or relocate), if it comes to that, certainly compounds the challenges of that period. One phenomenon to come to grips with in the mid life years is relationship attrition. That means you wake up one day and realize the army of family, friends, co-workers and neighbors you had years ago has dwindled over time to a much smaller group as a result of death, divorce, job changes or neighbors moving away. It can also include loss of place, such as a favorite family homestead being sold due to death of a parent or grandparent, or your family being displaced as a result of an "involuntary" job change. Taking inventory of my relationships the other day, I tallied almost thirty people who were once special to me but have gone out of my life over the past fifteen years or so. Turning the tables, I could then count only ten or so new "special people" during that period — a 3:1 ratio of lost to new. (I am discounting most of my TurfNet friends, who I value greatly but are scattered too far and wide to come over for a beer and a burger on a Friday night.) Daddy’s Little Girls have grown up and moved out, but are not to the point yet of adding sons-in-law to the mix, and grandchildren have yet to start filling up the family pool again (thankfully, as we have other things to get squared away first). But I hope this is low tide, family-wise. When a home turns over four times in a dozen years, one feels less inclined to take over yet another plate of brownies...In a relatively transient community like ours, when a home turns over four times in a dozen years, one feels less inclined to take over yet another plate of brownies to meet the newest neighbors. So we don’t, and a gradual attrition of barbecuing and beer-quaffing friends results. But then soaring real estate taxes will force us to move at some point anyway, as few will be being able to afford living here in NJ after retirement. So that search goes on as well... Compounding my particular situation is that I have worked alone, at home, for thirteen years, and a degree of isolation has set in — particularly since there’s nobody left to pick up after school. Conversations with the dogs tend to be somewhat one-sided, and communicating via email or chiming in Forum discussions just isn’t the same as doing it face to face, no matter how it’s sliced or diced. I actually did the convertible thing a few years ago, and it was fun for a while. Then, with my Riding Buddy off to college and my wife not really into it, I found myself cruising alone most of the time. Then I realized one day that it was like dining at a great restaurant... alone. OK, but not the same as sharing it with someone special. So I parked it that day, listed it on autotrader.com and sold it three days later. What’s the punch line here? I’m not sure, although I suspect that old adage of "keep your friends close, and your enemies closer" should be revised to "keep your friends close, and your good friends even closer". Treasure them (and your spouse), work at keeping them close (because it does take two-way work), make the call when you feel the urge. And don’t fall into the trap of thinking, "I’m not going to extend that welcoming hand of friendship because I already have all the friends I need." You might today, but tomorrow may well be a different situation. The same can be said of friends, I suppose, but the currency is time and emotional energy rather than dollars...There’s an old maxim in business that says it costs much less to keep an existing customer than it does to find a new one. The same can be said of friends, I suppose, but the currency is time and emotional energy rather than dollars. And truly good friends — the ones who stick with you through the peaks, valleys and bumps-in-the-road of life — are, as the commercial says, priceless. While we’re all busy and get caught up with situations at work and elsewhere, don’t forget to hold your significant other’s hand regularly to feel her emotional pulse. Disconnects in a marriage are relatively easy to identify in retrospect, but are much more effectively headed off at the pass before they happen — rather than trying to pick up the pieces or control the damage afterwards. Lastly, appreciate your co-workers, at whatever level you interact with them. Chances are there are characters among them whose antics — for better or for worse — add a certain texture to the fabric of your life. After hashing this over with me on the phone for half an hour or so, Jud said, "You know, most guys wouldn’t admit this stuff to themselves, much less talk about it with another guy. That’s big." Well, Jud, I just told another couple thousand people about it, in the hope that some day, somebody out there will heed the warning signs and follow the same path for help. Or, lend a friendly ear to somebody in need, or extend that welcoming hand of friendship. If you haven’t navigated the roughs seas of mid-life yet, hold on ‘cause it’s coming... sooner or later. It’s not a joke. And thanks, Jud. It’s always a pleasure to hear your voice too. Reprinted from the October, 2006 issue of TurfNet the Newsletter. Peter L. McCormick is the founder and maestro of TurfNet. He can be reached at maestro@turfnet.com. |
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