The Mad Golf Prophet (MGP) has just issued a Lightning Warning for the upcoming golf season.  *Note:  This is not a "Lightening" warning, the spelling preferred by heavy internet users, because that would indicate weight reduction or a severe increase in pasty, pale skin . . . like when you go to one of those fashion catwalk things.

There is no science to trust behind this prediction, it simply came from a vision the MGP had last night, complete with the whole waking up screaming, running through the cart barn shedding pajamas and hiding underneath the front porch with all Momma's hounds.  (From now on, we vow to be more careful collecting mushrooms for the poke salad.)

It's inevitable that all this record cold we've been experiencing in the East will bang up against spring and summer heat leaking out of the Gulf of Panama City, and the result will be lots of golf lightning.

As a veteran witness of golf lightning strikes, I have a couple of stories to tell.  There's "Blue Sky Willie", a fellow crew worker who was struck by lightning on a clear blue sky day while working a side job on a church steeple.  His story can be found in greater detail in the pages of "The Greens of Wrath", a rare book containing a collection of golf horror stories.

Once, while playing White Oak with Mike my GCS brother, Norm my CGCS Dad, and Virgil my Certifiable Uncle, we were approached by Ed on his fairway mower.  Ed was a true woodsman capable of predicting weather by reading the signs, tracking coyotes across an asphalt parking lot and if Ed had said he could talk to animals, well, I would have believed him. 

Ed eased up to Mike and said, "Boss, ordinarily I wouldn't bother you during golf, but see them clouds building over toward Petey's Mudhole?"

....headed this way and it's got fire in it.

We all turned to the southwest and took note of a few puny clouds.  Ed took his hat off, held it over his heart and said, "Boss, it's the God's truth, that one is headed this way and it's got fire in it."

That was good enough for Mike, so we headed for the clubhouse, amidst great howls of protest from Dad and Virgil.  (They were 2 up)  A few moments later, from the relative safety of the dining room, we watched a pine tree explode in a fiery blast, wooden shrapnel flying all about.  The shock wave must have affected Dad's hearing, because he was unable to hear us saying, "Not going back out there", over and over again.

My long-time boss, Gary Ready, a reformed Northerner from New York, once saw a pine tree take a direct hit, followed by an orange ball of fire (molten pine resin?) shooting forth and bounding down the fairway.

On another occasion, I was working an irrigation break on a cloudy day, when suddenly, all the hair on my body stood up.  I jumped out of the hole and ran a 4.4 Forty to a nearby highway overpass.  The crew remained frozen in confusion--at least until a bolt zapped a control box 50 yards away, with the force of an artillery round, but twice as loud.

After that incident, the crew had a new motto:  "When the Boss runs, everybody runs."

Even if you survive a lightning strike, you may be slightly altered.  At a PGA tournament, Dad and I approached Jerry, an old playing partner from Dad's Fresno period.  Jerry, although he was a great player and had once led the money list, was actually more well known for getting hit by lightning while standing next to Lee Trevino.  When Jerry didn't remember Dad, I was offended and suggested Jerry was either too uppity to associate with us commoners or his memory had been erased by that voltage surge.  That's also where I learned you shouldn't refer to a lightning survivor as "Sparky".

For those needing Mystic Order CEUs, here's your Study Guide for the exam on Rockbottum Lightning Theory:

#1:  God actually can hit a 1-iron.  If you suspect God is angry with you, stay inside during unstable weather.  If you just sneered at Theory #1, stay inside during any weather.

...always grant arrogant board members the privilege of wearing 8mm steel.

#2:  Steel spikes increase your chances of being hit.  (Grounding Effect)  This is why I always grant arrogant board members the privilege of wearing 8mm steel.

#3:  Short people outlive tall people who work outside in lightning strike zones.

#4:  Lightning hates Irrigation.  At Fairytown CC, our pumps were struck twice and a black steel 4" line under a bridge was hit.  It left a big, flooded crater, which tried to eat a backhoe.  Good times.  Also on that same course, two of our new digital controllers, (Triax something) were turned into smoky, black dust.

#5:  Standing beneath trees is stupid.  Lightning is DC, or Direct Current.  DC can desync the DC that runs your heart; DC will hit the tree, follow the roots into the ground and adjust your heart beat from steady to jazz drummer.

#6:  Avoid Water.  Sometimes, lightning will just show off, with tricks like bouncing off water before hitting a tree and following roots or copper wire to get you.  8 ball in the back pocket.

#7:  Think of lightning as a sort of natural weaponized drone, up there cruising for targets.  First place it looks is a golf course.  Why?  Because golfers are typically unaware, kind of like buffalo who used to just stand there while hunters picked them off.

#8:  In a lightning event, do not run for the clubhouse, as that's where most of the targets are.  It's like hiding behind a tank on the battlefield--that's what the big guns are aiming at.

#9:  It's your clothes.  More golfers are hit than maintenance staff.  The only reason has to be the loud, mismatched clothing, as well as the prissy fashion statements the "fashion editors" try to trick us into wearing.

#10:  Remove Flagsticks.  Golfers rarely respond to warning sirens, common sense suggestions, or marshals frantically pointing toward Petey's Mudhole.  That's why here at Rockbottum CC, we remove the flagsticks, thus forcing the golfers to suspend play.  Since golfer safety is the pro shop's responsibility, the pro is the natural choice to go out and collect the flagsticks.  (Also, we allow our pro to wear steel spikes.)