How to diagnose, treat and possibly cure the most dangerous early season golf disorder.

Diagnosis:  The initial outbreak of Post Masters Syndrome typically begins within minutes of final round completion.  First indications usually involve golfers of several levels–from muni to mid-level country club–verbalizing in pitiful, whiny voices, “Why can’t we do that?”

Tests for azalea poisoning and overseed overdose will normally read very high on the scale; additionally, the golfer/member’s listening ability and comprehension is severely impeded.

It is important for the GCS to avoid becoming frustrated, as logical reasoning with the patient will have little or no effect at this early point.

The golfer/member with 12 or more hours of video exposure to HD ANGC will be completely unresponsive to explanations as to “canopy effect” of overseed upon base turf; furthermore, attempting to differentiate seed rates and thickness levels required to attain ANGC levels as opposed to normal, non-supernatural overseed coverage will not convince the golfer, but merely send him into the catatonic state known as Golfer EGO.  (Eyes Glazed Over)

The golfer recently exposed to actual physical contact with ANGC should just be considered unreachable and treated as if he has ingested hallucinogenics while repeatedly watching Avatar.

His fantasy world tolerance has been significantly lowered, in much the same way as the individual arrested for public intoxication is somehow convinced that belting out Queen’s entire “Bohemian Rhapsody” in the back seat of a patrol car will win his freedom.

Golfers recently returned from Eastern Georgia in April–and firmly in the grip of “Azalea Poisoning”–will never grasp things like the three-week bloom cycle of azaleas are not worth the year-round maintenance costs involved to counter the plant’s bio-magnetic ability to attract and hold leaves, plastic sacks, mylar balloons and golf balls for periods ranging up to 10,000 years.  (The only plant more endowed with higher levels of bio-magnetism and favored by golf landscape designers is the horrid Ugly Agnes.)

Treatment?  In the past, we just waited a week for the infection to run its course and then revealed the cost difference between ANGC’s standard of maintenance and ours.  When that number is converted into dues increase ratios and the golfer begins to understand that the first number is just for a few weeks . . . well, then the golfer improves.  He isn’t cured, mind you, but he improves and the “Why can’t we do that?” outbursts lessen in number and severity.

Is there a Cure in the near future?  Possibly, as evidenced by the following video piece, we are mere months from a breakthrough in ridding golf of Post Masters Syndrome . . . forever.