Now that the US Government has admitted UFOs are real, (See The Youtube, F-18 gun camera) I feel safe in pursuing the link between UFOs and golf.  The photo below, taken two years ago on a golf course in Jackson Hole, Wyoming, by Rockbottum Dave, is unretouched.  Dave was doing his Irrigation Tech thing, when he accidentally captured a shot of a UFO.  (Is it “a” UFO or “an” UFO?)  We featured this photo in a short film, but viewers assumed it was just more of our filmic trickery and ignored it. 

This time I want to be clear.   UFOs ARE SOMEHOW LINKED TO GOLF COURSES.  

My astute scientific contention is that UFOs utilize golf courses for several reasons, the first being that in urban areas, golf courses are the last open spaces.  They require such areas for discreet landing zones.  This allows for easy abduction of humans to probe, specifically Night Watermen.  Think about it.  When was the last time you saw a Night Waterman? Why do you suppose the irrigation industry abandoned the more reliable and cost effective manual quick coupler systems for the outrageously complex and expensive automatic irrigation?

Because all the Night Watermen vanished.

This allows for easy abduction of humans to probe, specifically Night Watermen.  Think about it.  When was the last time you saw a Night Waterman?

The second factor is one of those “Unintended Consequences” that plague modern society.  By constructing miles of buried #14ga. copper wire in strange geometric patterns—like those giant diagrams in South America only recognizable from high altitude—we accidentally built giant UFO antennas.  These devices probably emit electromagnetic fields similar to the space alien’s landing zones back on Tralfamadore. 

As for my ownself, I have never seen a UFO.  You’d think I would have seen one by now, given all the time I spent outside at night.  Some have suggested I might have encountered an alien spacecraft and my mind was subsequently erased like a glitchy VHS tape.  It’s certainly possible, because somebody erased the entire year following my high school graduation.  I suspect that happened to at least a few of you, too.

I have known a few people who saw a UFO.  A famous golf course architect saw a UFO descend into a lake one night, when he was a teenager. (The Sixties, so . . . )  Then there was Riley, our mechanic back in 1970, who insisted he was abducted by space aliens.  *NOTE:  Riley is the fellow who provided me with Ludell’s voice and accent, but not the hair or mustache.  (That came from Ken Mangum, circa 1974.)  

Riley was out drinking on the course late one night, when several balls of fire fell from the sky.  He woke up the next morning in the bed of his truck, with his pants on backwards.  I theorize he made up the part about the space aliens just to keep from getting fired, since his description of space aliens sounded a lot like Ray Walston, of My Favorite Martian. 

I thought I was being abducted once.  I was night watering, racing my four-wheeler—with no lights*—across the golf course, trying to get to a drain valve before the system went Fukashima, when suddenly, a beam of light surrounded me.  Normally, I considered myself invisible, but this was a spotlight attached to a police helo, apparently with thermo-infrared vision.  I surmise they had a big laugh and then flew away, looking for another golf course. 

*In those days, it was standard procedure to run dark to avoid being robbed, not so much to avoid being probed by space aliens.  

I have excluded golfers from my sample group, as they have interesting UFO stories, but, well, they're golfers. (The constant fermented grain marination affects credibility.) 

If you would like to contribute to our research, email me at this secure email: 

Your name will be kept secret unless you insist otherwise.  I would really like to know if anyone in TurfNet Land has ever seen a golf course UFO and to further motivate you, we’re offering prizes for the best golf course UFO tales!

Third Prize is the last remaining copy of The Greens of Wrath, signed of course.  NOTE: Brad Klein’s recent twitter comment that GOW reminded him of Jack Kerouac with a soundtrack by Commander Cody and the Lost Planet Airmen has effectively ended my writing career.  

Second Prize:  Momma’s famed frying pan, autographed, with a dent that matches Buddy’s skull and First Prize will be a starring role in an upcoming Rockbottum Film.  Don’t worry about revealing your identity.  We can disguise you as Buddy.