Are you sure you're working in the right job?  Take the Official Rockbottum CC Aptitude Test and find out exactly where you belong in the golf industry.

Scenario #1    You are repairing an irrigation break in the middle of the fairway on a crowded Friday afternoon in the heat of August.  Several greens are burning.  Golfers repeatedly demand that you move, as you are in great danger.  Do you:   

A.    Move to the left rough and cower behind a tree.    B.  Fearlessly remain in the center of the fairway and put on your special spandex shorts with the bull's eye target on the rear.    C.    Jump in your Cushman and drive away.  

ANSWER:    If you chose A, report immediately to the pro shop for duty.  Choosing B indicates potential as a long term muni superintendent or a sales rep.  Did you choose C?  If so, you are probably pretty talented at deflecting responsibility while pretending you are actually doing something.  That's classic HR material.  

Scenario #2    During a severe drought, with tyrannical water restrictions imposed by the government, you are caught by local officials in the act of hand watering bent.  Do you:

A.    Weep uncontrollably, drop to your knees and beg forgiveness.  B.  Deny that you are watering, but continue watering in full view of the official.  C.  Jump in Cushman and drive away.

ANSWER:    Did you choose A?  If so, Customer Service is the job for you.  Choosing B indicates strong potential as a reporter for mainstream media.  C?  See above.

Scenario #3    After you and the crew complete a project wherein 20 pallets of sod was carefully placed between the ninth green and a greenside bunker, ropes and stakes installed and heavy watering finished, a foursome of drunken golfers drive through the ropes and slide into the bunkers.  They blame you and loudly demand you pull them out.  Do you:

A.  Weep, comply with their orders and start all over.   B.  Jump in Cushman.  C.  Refuse to help, say harsh words indicating they have canine heritage, and when they attack with putters, grab a shovel from the Cushman and engage them using English broadsword techniques.

ANSWER:    A.  You might make a good marshal.  B.  Apply for a GM job at a high end club.  C.   Answering C shows potential as an Equipment Tech, a Night Waterman, a Special Ops candidate or a writer for TurfNet.

Scenario #4    After installing 2mm choker layer in 18 new greens, you have some left over.  An unidentified crew member puts the extra 2mm sand in a bunker between the green and the lake on a Par 3.  This results in impossible bunker extraction shots and hilarious Category 5 temper fits.  (Sand wedges thrown in lake, caddies thrown in lake, guns drawn, etc.)  Do you:

A.   Immediately classify bunker as GUR, offer free stuff to the victim and quickly select a random scapegoat crew member who is held by the collar and kicked repeatedly in the buttocks, until member is satisfied.  B.  Tip off the biggest gambler in the club.   C.  Set up lawn chairs across the lake and laugh until you wet your pants.

ANSWER:    A indicates you will rise to Top 5% superintendent job.  B means you belong in Logistics or some other phony baloney field like . . . NFL referee.  C is proof of a very high level grasp of muni golf operations.

Scenario #4.5    You have recently become frustrated during interactions with club members and committees, owing to their refusal to refer to you as "Your Excellency."  They also stubbornly balked at erecting a statue of you, disagreed with your brilliant plan to replace the maintenance facility with a giant pyramid/tomb and wouldn't even consider renaming the course for you.  Do you:

A.    Resign and become a golf course architect.  B.  Resign and become the CEO of a big Golf Alphabet entity.  C.  Write a tell-all book detailing the club's history of illicit romantic adventures, complete with photographs.

ANSWER:    A.  The above behavior is often associated with latent closeted Golf Architect Symptoms.  B.  This is very difficult to attain as the success rate is low for those with actual golf course experience.  C typically results in the writer mysteriously vanishing . . . or becoming a TurfNet writer.

Scenario #5    You are entangled in a war with the clubhouse.  Clubhouse staff treats you like a peasant, contaminates your food, hits balls at you, spreads vicious rumors and forces you to clean up after their drunken debauchery.  The 80 year-old cart boy steps on your hand with steel spikes while you are working on a valve, sabotages your Cushman and accuses you of stealing his 12 year-old Scotch.  Do you:

A.  Replace said Scotch with some other liquid.  B.  Flood the driving range until his ball picker sinks to the axles.  C.  Hammer the DRT rope stakes so deep into the tee that the geriatric cart boy has to perform a Dead Lift to extricate it.  During the previous night, you lined up a Toro 970 with the aforementioned rope stake, so that when initiated, it conducts an explosive irrigation enema so powerful as to move internal organs about, thus necessitating an ambulance.

ANSWER:   If you chose All Of The Above, you are a normal Golf Course Superintendent who could have made it as a CIA contract employee . . . or a TurfNet writer.