This is a confession:  I have been the curmudgeonly, gruff old guy relentlessly holding on to the traditional, classic elements of golf.  I have resisted the latest trends, marketing fads and new technology since the appearance of the golf cart.  I fought the insanity of growing bent in The South, battled real estate course design, azalea overdose and the maniacal pursuit of stripes, checkerboards and argyle patterns burnt into bermuda choking overseed in lines so straight that astronauts noticed them.

Although the recent shock of commode-sized holes and communist kickball golf destabilized me even futher, I have seen the light and now my mind is open to newer, edgier ways of introducing potential converts to our way of life.

I hereby acquiesce, repent, submit and generally give up.  From now on, I will leap enthusiastically upon every bandwagon, edict, slogan and Manchurian Candidate imprint issued by our beloved Alphabets.  (I've noticed positive things already--since I gave up the ways of Ned Ludd, I've had an explosion of ideas.)

For instance, why confine my expanded thinking to golf?  Surely other sports could use this brilliant concept of an "Easy Button" in order to promote infinite growth.  And that's what we're after in golf, right?  Infinite growth, no slowdowns, corrections or swings of the pendulum to balance things out.

Here's what I've come up with:  As a high school football coach for many years, I've noticed a trend.  The current generation does not want to play football in its traditional form.  To grow HS football, perhaps we could implement equipment changes to soften impact--like giant air bubbles instead of pads. We need new rules to prevent aggressive play.  We could shorten the field.  (This would remove the need for those awful wind sprints.)

Another way to increase HS football participation would be to drop that whole "mandatory practice" idea.  I mean, how 20th Century is that?  Kids should be able to just show up on Friday night and play.

Baseball.  Bigger, softer ball, about the size and texture of a dodgeball, shorter basepaths and lots more umpires to make things less autocratic.  Basketball would be more inviting if the basket was lowered to allow someone like me to "go hard in da paint and throw down".  Also, eliminating that bothersome dribbling would help, too.

Then there's hockey.  I think hockey would be wildly popular with just a minor rule change, like increasing the size of the goal to the size of a soccer goal.  We should limit goalie interference and involve the police when players use that atrociously brutal "check" technique.

This kind of thinking could spread throughout society and increase participation, lead toward infinite growth, while giving everyone a sense of accomplishment currently unavailable due to narrow-minded rules that require brainless dedication, exhaustive practice and unnecessary honing of skills.  Just think how much more participatory music would be if we used the Guitar Hero model of performance, coupled with Autotune, rather than years of frustrating practice.  It might also help to make criticism and shaming of poor musicianship a crime.

I feel better already.  Go ahead, kids, play on my lawn.